July 13, 2015, a normal day to some, but to me and my family it is the day we lost my 5 month old baby boy, Aiden. He was called home peacefully in his sleep due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. SIDS is the sudden, unexplained death of a baby younger than 1 year of age that doesn’t have a known cause of death. The definition of the word itself, left so many questions unanswered. As you could imagine this is the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. I could still hear the sirens of the ambulance ringing in my ears and feel how cold my skin was sitting in the passenger seat watching all the cars scatter, while we rush through traffic to get to the nearest hospital. My heart has never raced so fast before and a part of me wanted so badly to not face what was happening all around me. The sight of my son lying still in that hospital bed will always be imprinted in my mind as the last time I saw him, as him.
I couldn’t stop crying. I cried so much it hurt after a while. I kept trying to force myself to feel something again. Anything. I tried to do what everyone else around me did and that was live their life again. But I was stuck. I died with my son that day. I felt nothing, I heard nothing, I wanted nothing. I was cold, still, confused, in denial, physically, mentally, spiritually hurt in every way a person could hurt. It wasn’t long until my hurt turned into anger. I was angry at God, because he took my boy. I was angry at mothers who still had their children with them. I was angry with my job that I had to go to the morning Aiden died. I was angry with my husband, because he was grieving differently than I was. I was angry with myself, because I couldn’t do anything to bring Aiden back. I was angry with all the people who said I was strong, because I felt they were lying to me. I didn’t feel strong at all.
As I navigated through the grieving process I was a complete mess on the inside. I have always had this strange distant relationship to death. I was one of those people who had never really experienced death with any close loved one or friend before. To be honest, I had been afraid of the idea of not being alive anymore and this “dark place” you go when you die. I feared death for a very long time, until I met him that day.
There is a part of me that will never exist again, because it belongs and rests with my son in heaven. After encountering death I understand now that it is and will always be accompanied by life. You cannot have life without death. I realized too that death doesn’t mean the end. Although my son is no longer living life here with me physically, his spirit lives inside of me forever. So when I thought I was losing him forever, I just gained him in a different way for a lifetime. Accepting this truth allowed me to take my first steps in the direction of healing. Naturally, I found my release and healing through writing. I wrote my truth, my story, my prayers, my first book. I wrote all of my emotions, thoughts and unexplained feelings. Slowly each day, with also the support of my family, I entered a place of peace and acceptance.
In those writing sessions and conversations with God, I wrote my first book The Moon Amongst Stars. This collection of poetry shares those dark emotions and tearful moments as I walked through my grief and depression. The book is divided into four moon phases, from new moon to the last quarter. Each phase representing a different moment and feeling during that period in my life. This journey is raw, heartfelt and 100% my truth. I knew it was important to share my story with the world, because I wanted other grieving mothers to know they are not alone in their healing and that we can all join hands and take this walk together.
My story is different. My life and experience as a mother has completely changed, but my heart is settled into a place now of acceptance. Accepting that my baby boy is now in heaven with a God who is perfect and makes no mistakes. Holding on to that truth is the thing that has allowed me to live life again as myself.
Moral of the Story: No matter what you are healing from, you are not alone in your journey. We are all connected though our experiences in life. Free yourself and share your truth.
Interested in reading my book, The Moon Amongst Stars? Click here.